Behind the Fairy Tale
For the last three years, to raise money for causes close to me, I’ve embarked on a great and noble quest — not to reclaim my swamp, but to run a half marathon dressed like an absolute moron.
2023 Canadian Tuxedo: $1,145 for JDRF (Shoutout the 93-degree race day)
2024 KISS: $1,780 for the American Cancer Society (Des Moines Rock City)
2025 Austin "Danger" Powers: $3,205 for Puppy Jake Foundation (I GOT MY MOJO BACK, BABY)
... and for 2026, I'm running like an onion. Well, ogres are
like onions, not because they stink (though I might be a little ripe after the
race), but because they've got layers... layers I'll be running 13.1 miles
in. Maybe I’ll have some waffles before the race and run to The Kingdom of
Far Far Away.
My Great-Grandma Della passed away from Alzheimer's in 2013,
and although the ice cream machine in the nursing home made our visits a little
better, watching a loved one's memory and personality fade was extremely
difficult on our family.
Even an ogre’s heart feels that.
Alzheimer's isn't just memory loss. It's a progressive,
fatal disease that affects individuals, families, and caregivers. As always, to
show the need for support, I have included some statistics below.
- As of 2025, over 7 million Americans are currently living with Alzheimer's
disease.
- 1 in 9 Americans age 65+ has Alzheimer's.
- Alzheimer's accounts for 60-80% of all dementia cases.
- After age 45, lifetime risk of developing Alzheimer's is 1 in 5 for women and 1 in 10 for men.
- Almost two-thirds of Americans with Alzheimer's are women.
- Nearly 12 million Americans provide unpaid care for loved ones with Alzheimer's or other dementias.
- 1 in 3 American seniors dies with Alzheimer’s or another dementia.
- Alzheimer’s deaths in the United States have increased by 145% over the past two decades.
Below are the donation milestones needed to round out the full Shrek costume. Due to the likelihood of it trapping sweat like a medieval torture device in the summer heat, I will not be wearing a bald cap. Just like the last three years, the first time I run the 13.1 will be the first time I put on the entire getup for maximum discomfort.
And no, I will NOT be wearing something crazy like ladies’
underwear…
IT’S A THONG!!
$500 - Ogre ears headband (All right, you're going the right way for a smacked bottom.)
$1,000 “NUMBER THREE MY LORD, NUMBER THREE” - Brown shoe covers (sorry I still need to wear running shoes, even Shrek understands arch support)
$1,500 - Tan tunic and brown vest (surely to get swampy)
$2,000 - Brown and yellow plaid pants w belt (We are gonna need flour. Lots and lots of flour)
My official goal is $2,000 this year… but if we hit the stretch goal of $2,500, I’ll go FULL OGRE with complete green face paint (the final LAYER).
Post‑race meal of weed‑rat stew, swamp‑toad soup, fish‑eyed tartare — you name it.
All the support — monetary or moral — is always very much
appreciated.
Thank you and now GET OUTTA MY SWAMP!!! (for a good cause).
